Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
