Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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