Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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