Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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