I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
