my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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