please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
