We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
