No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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