Need sex. Gaining weight.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
