So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
