Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
