First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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