Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
