I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
