Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
