im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
