we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize