i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
