You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
