I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize