No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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