I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
