i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
