i don't like sucking hair
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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