i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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