walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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