I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
