he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize