When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
