This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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