Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
