I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
