I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
