That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
