Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
