The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
