I've blown a few things in my day
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
