It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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