Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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