I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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