girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
