There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
