Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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