Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
