Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
