I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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