I feel great
I just peed on a car
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
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