The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
