How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
