he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
