by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
