I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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