I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
