you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wish my penis had a tongue
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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