I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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