Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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