in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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