I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
