do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
